living

Hi y'all. I don't know if anyone will even read what I'm jotting down right now but I'll still do it anyway. Please give me the freewill to express myself, together with all the biases and maybe the nonsensical matters. I didn't like writing back in high school so please bare with what I come up with. If you have violent reactions or insights and any comments, feel free. It would mean a lot. I want to absorb and grow.

I have a million things going in rumbles inside my mind from time to time but they just pass by. Ideas, thoughts, realizations and God-knows-what just come, inspire me, and then totally be forgotten the next day; without being able to share with anyone (aside from my boyfriend :)). I want to be able to reflect in the future, read back, and learn more about myself. I want to know who I really am, how I think and see things, and definitely how I live and exist. Having said that, I'm starting this first entry to hopefully a million more. I don't know what and when the next entry will be but I like the idea of scribbling down my thoughts.

Here goes.

Today I sent my boyfriend to work, which means I went home alone. [I don't really want to give any introduction as to who I am and all that, we will get there as we go along :)] I rode the train back to Bishan, the station close to where we live, hopped off, and decided to have lunch. Felt eating a sandwich so I decided to grab one from Subway. [Oh by the way, it's Saturday today so I don't have work. Sad to say my boyfriend works in the retail industry, stationed at the AIRPORT so he's been working on weekends for going seven months now.] So there I was, strolling around the mall with nothing to do. Went to buy a cup of milk tea take out and sat in one corner, observing people passing by, very very busy with their own little things.

My boyfriend and I have always been having small talks about the world and everything in it, including people's existence. The world just goes by, in its own quick pace, having everyone keep up with it. But the thing is, what is the point of all of that? Why do we need to keep up? What is it that we're keeping up with? And if we keep up, what do we get from it? What are we doing, really. What are we all actually living for? The ultimate question which I doubt if anyone can answer is, 'What is the point of living?'.

We're born, we grow, we live, and in the end, we all die. It's given that in the grow and live stage, we develop ourselves. We study, we graduate, we earn, we buy. We indeed become someone. Some people gain power, some reach their dreams. To those who do get to the top, they become happy. After that, they grow old, they die. I don't get it. Some do nothing, just simply get by. All this and that, but have we ever stopped and thought about the reason behind all of this? Why we do exist? What is the point of trying out, discovering, and learning? Why do we live? The idea of it really boggles me. I can't seem to understand the point of existing and living. The more I think about it, the more I have questions which I know, will never have answers to.

Do you think there is actually a reason behind all this? Could it be humans just made a world of their own, just so they don't get bored while waiting for death to come?

Really, there must be a reason behind existence. Not me or you, not a single human being will ever know. That is one of the biggest mysteries too big and deep I couldn't even comprehend and imagine what the possible answer could be. As a Christian, only when I die would I know. Or, would He even let me know?